• Tim Godfrey

Blog: Finally, a Thanksgiving alone

Author’s note: I will be writing some blogs — mostly about nonsense — every week and I encourage you to join in the fun. Submit questions or suggest topics for me to write about, especially if they're not about football.

Thanksgiving is the "this meeting should have been an email" of holidays.

We take off in the middle of the workweek to gather at our aunt's house and balance a thin paper plate full of food while tag-team the Lions' game and A Christmas Story, two programs no one cares about but it's 12:30 p.m on a Thursday so literally nothing else is on.

I mean, I could stream something on my phone but then I'd run the risk of attracting a flock of eyeballs and an array of questions such as "What are you watching?" and "Can I have your Hulu password?"

Thanksgiving is the worst holiday on the calendar and it's not even close.

Thankfully, a plague has finally struck the planet — something you all ironically tweeted for. Thanks a lot, stupid. We're all dropping like flies and I can't go out for brunch anymore. I HOPE YOUR EDGY HUMOR WAS WORTH IT!

On the plus side, COVID-19 has made Thanksgiving and every other holiday a little less terrible. Unless you're the governor, gatherings are prohibited if they consist of more than 10 people . So, the expectation that I wear "nice clothes" or eat pie with a fork is almost nonexistent.

Initially, I thought there would be NO Thanksgiving at all and my rodent brain had a rush of dopamine similar to when you find $20 in your pocket or hit that first cigarette during a night on the town. But then I read the clarification that we’re supposed to have Thanksgiving with just our immediate “bubble" and my euphoria went right out the window at the realization that I would not, in fact, be spending Thanksgiving chain-smoking behind the apartment building and scrolling through Twitter.

Here are some other random Thanksgiving thoughts:

  • Pumpkin pie is a solid dessert. Not the best pie, but it’s one I’d eat like a slice of pizza on the car ride home.

  • All Thanksgiving football is bad, but any football is better than anything else on TV.

  • Stuffing is the best Thanksgiving side.

  • All backyard football is tackle football. I don't want to hear about any of this "two-hand touch" nonsense. If my nephew is running down the lane I'm going to spear him like Ronnie Lott.

  • I really hope COVID-19 killed parades for good. I can't think of a bigger waste of time then a parade.

  • Skanksgiving > Thanksgiving

  • The eve of any holiday is better than the holiday itself. That includes Christmas.

Some football stuff The Steelers and Ravens Thursday night game has been moved to Sunday afternoon because of course it was. It was the only decent game on TV today.

We now have Detroit vs. Houston and Washington vs. Dallas. None of them have winning records or reasons for me to care. Houston has DeShaun Watson but he's playing for Houston which means his career is in the hands of a franchise that gave Bill O'Brien two jobs.

The only college game on TV is between New Mexico and Utah State, a riveting match between two 0-4 teams.

God, I hate Thanksgiving.